Have you ever been to a big festival with thousands of people and felt lonely in a crowd? I experienced this feeling this Saturday at our advanced Janmastami celebrations. For the first time in many years i had almost no seva to perform due to certain reasons and i decided to sit back and watch the performances After making sure that our Jagannath, Baladeva and Subahdra were comfortably situated, I decided i would search for Krishna and try and find Krishna in some way or the other in each show or offering that was being put forward. Often times, in big festivals like this it is easy to lose your focus in the midst of all the revelry and the maze. I remembered my friend saying that when you become the Principal in any school, you stop being the teacher. Likewise, in times of festivals, when things overwhelm you, you stop being a devotee. I was determined, i will not let this atmosphere ruin my search.
First i started off with the more obvious deity forms who were easy to connect to, owing to their beauty. The first altar had little deities of Jagannath, Baladeva and Subhadra, Radha Gokulananda, the Pancha tattva, Narasimhadeva and Srila Prabhupada. The second Altar had Sri Radha Vrindavan Chandra from New Vrindavan and the third altar had our Jagannath Baladeva and Subhadra. The fourth had Sri Radha Madana Mohana on the swing!.All the deities looked resplendent in their jasmine garlands.In addition our Jagannatha and Baladeva had lotus garlands and looked adorable. Just as i was thinking " Hmm..no lotus garland for Subhadra Mayi?" my friend Gita walked in with a single Gardenia,"For mother Subhadra," she said. i grinned giving her a big hug..She tucked the flower in Subahdramayi's neck/waist, decorated Krishna and Balarama's wrists with the beautiful Jasmine Rakhi that she had made and left after a quick hug to take care of the Tulasi stand, along with her husband...
I ambled along to the front of the hall, it was the kids costume competition. Every kid was either dressed as Radha or Krishna. There was a mother Yashoda and a Balarama, the only thing different.
I tried to see Krishna here and found Him in their Utasaha, enthusiasm! Next came the kids play, which was nice. They enacted the pastime of the 'Yajnapatnis' who demonstrated through their spontaneity, the love that they had for Krishna and Balarama. Despite the thick audio recording, Krishna came through the message, that "He can be known only through simple loving devotion, not through knowledge and mental speculation." I recalled a class where the speaker was talking about how Srila Prabhupada had answered a question by saying that Balarama was weaker in comparison to Krishna. Citing the example of the deities in Vrindavana, he is said to have quipped that Balarama was leaning on Krishna because He was weaker of the two. This brought a glimmer of laughter and memories of Srila Prabhupada.
Next was an Odissi dance performance by the little kids... The second piece which was performed to an Oriya song recording had an endearing quality which immediately reminded me of my own Gandharvika Giridhari deities, back home.
The class by HG Lakshmi Narasimha had everything to do with Krishna and how we were given a chance to prepare ourselves to welcome Krishna on the actual day of the festival by this early celebration.
Stepping outdoors i met my Godsisters and instantly the conversation went to Guru Maharaja and how we could feel his presence even today. Sri Guru is Saksad hari, Guru Maharaja lives on through his books and instructions and mostly through the love that he has taught us to share with the world. As i looked at Salonee the 8 year old heifer, who had come all the way from Gitanagari, who was very lovingly cared for by Bali Prabhu, I witnessed another act where Krishna was fully present. Vidyagati Prabhu opened up some beach umbrellas to shelter Salonee from a downpour of Rain. Here was Krishna " Go Brahmana Hitaya ca" He had manifested in this selfless act of love by HG Vidyagati Prabhu who never ceases to amaze me! i have learnt so much by observing this exalted devotee who is so humble, despite being around for years!
Next i sat in the Tulasi stall with my friend and over some Samosa Prasadam and chatted with Chaya across the table in the next stall. She remarked on how she had tried my doughnut recipe with some modification and how her kids never wanted to eat Doughnuts outside anymore...Thank you Krishna i whispered, "You made me useful in some way."
Catching up with Ujjvala and Sowjanya, it was more Krishna Katha and request for more seva in the form of classes. Promising that i would take this request for seva seriously, i stepped inside the temple to see that abhishek was in progress. I marveled at Chota Radha Madhava and Chota Radha Vrindavan Chandra.The Mayapuris were on stage and they were singing Srimati Radhika's name, calling out everyone to dance and sing with them.... Clever Mayapuris i thought, they surely know how to get Radhika Raman's attention Speaking to more devotees, exchanging hugs with a few whom i have not met in ages, i could see Krishna in these loving interactions, which were possible only by the mercy of Srila Prabhupada.
It was time for Arotik and strangely for me, i felt the presence of Krishna, the most in the Kirtan. I who can never connect to the Mahamantra was standing at the back of the hall trying to absorb the holy names. Though physically exhausted and mentally anxious that i had to get the deities back home on time, Realization hit me hard. It was not my effort that made me relish the Mahamantra that day. Looking around the hall at the spinning devotees, i knew it was their enthusiasm, their love for the Mahamantra that was contagious. I was but feeling the reflection of their happiness. Despite the crowd, despite the feeling of being alone in the crowd, the Mahamantra was wrapping us all in the Circle of Love. In the midst of it all were Krishna, Balarama, Krishna and Srimati Radharani and Nitai Gaura, casting their merciful glance on the whorl of bees who had lined up for a swig of nectar. No wonder they say then, that lava matra, even 1/11th of a second of association with a pure devotee can awaken love of Krishna in our hearts.
Nitai Gaura, Radhe Shyam, Jaya Krishna Balaram!
To sum it up, I would say that Bhakti is a matter of the heart. It is very individual and very dynamic. It totally depends on our greed. Our ability to perceive Krishna is not a mechanical endeavor, it is organic and very natural. Just as two persons view a partly filled glass of water as half full, or half empty, one can perceive little miracles everyday, perceive Krishna everyday as we go about our activities. We have to make an effort to reach out to Him. Ultimately, for me the impressions that i took home were ones of selfless spontaneous love exhibited by HG Vidyagati and Bali Prabhus..There was no clamoring for appreciation, no effort to be noticed, Simple, unadulterated Love! They made the festival meaningful for me!
I can only say " Kabe habe sei din amar?" (When will that day be mine?)
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