Then and Now.

Bhaja-Just this one word sums up everything. The starting word of my favorite song, 'Bhaja Hu Re Mana." Bhaja means “Be engaged in devotional service’’ says Srila Prabhupada. Why then is it so difficult for me to take up this process sincerely. Why do I seek adoration and appreciation when I should just be concerned about performing my service. The past few weeks have been weeks of intense soul searching for me. With so many birthdays this month, studying for Bhakti Shastri assessments on Chapter 5 of the Bhagavad Gita, I have been forced to meditate on the most prominent event at the other extreme of the spectrum of life viz. death. A month ago, a close friend of mine was diagnosed with a malignant tumor. Alarmed at the news I looked for solace in the prayers and meditations of my Guru Maharaj. Musing about a poem I had written almost 8 years ago praising death, I was viewing my mind as a separate entity and seeing how it has transformed in these 8 years.

The Long Awaited Tryst

Opening the doors to my house,

I wait for you in quiet repose

Tracing my dreams of yester years

Not for long though,

only till to claim me you come

Give me the strength to rise in your welcome

Cause I have been waiting for you

They say you are cruel

With fingers icy and cold

They know not you are my angel

Whom I long to behold

For, in your arms I can sleep

The tranquil sleep that's everlasting,

Filled with dreams a plenty

With no morning bells ringing

With no chores to complete, no promises to keep.

I wait for you with bated breath,

I wait for you in stealth

Come, to embrace me in your snow white shroud,

Against your chest I will ever be proud

Pray! Come, to complete the long awaited Tryst!

This was written by me when I was known as Nandini. But then, I was born again, almost 5 years ago, with my initiation and connection to Srila Prabhupada.Now that I am learning to take my first steps, I know I will erase the lines and rewrite this poem again. This was written with a very immature understanding of life an escapists view. Now, I am able to understand that my life belongs to Krishna, it is His property. Death doesn't liberate one, devotional service does. Unless one is engaged in the loving devotional service of Krishna one has to come back to this material world again and again. Will I welcome death the same way? Probably not.

Bhagavad Gita 5.3: Knowledge that one is one in quality yet different in quantity is correct transcendental knowledge leading one to become full in himself, having nothing to aspire to or lament over. There is no duality in his mind because whatever he does, he does for Krsna. Being thus freed from the platform of dualities, he is liberated--even in this material world.

But mere knowledge is not enough. The bad news is that we have to live with our senses as long as there is life in this body and the good news is that we can train ourselves to tolerate their urges. Even after knowing this why do I participate in the sources of misery? I wish developing seriousness was as easy as wearing a pair of gold rimmed scholarly looking glasses.

Kamala dala jala jivana talamala

Bhaja Hu hari pada niti re.

This life is tottering like a drop of water on a lotus petal; therefore you should always serve and worship the divine feet of Lord Hari.

While a lot has changed a lot still needs to be changed, hope is what keeps me going.