The Grass IS greener on the other side!

My sister and her family visited us en route, on a tour of America. When relatives visit it is always bittersweet. My sister (who is a good eight years older than me), or for that matter no one from my family can relate to the fact that I am no longer the person that I used to be. In the high school years of my sister, my parents received a complaint from the teachers that she was not paying enough attention to her studies. She was so attached to her new younger sibling; me... that she she was neglecting her studies and consequently scoring less marks. She still sees me as that little younger sister and is not able to fathom my affiliation to ISKCON or my fascination for Krishna and His pastimes.

As discussions always take the familiar route she said, "Why don't you'll come back to India?" I tried evading this all too familiar question smiling and serving them more upma. As if to highlight this fact that this is not the place where I should be, that very same evening when we went to the park,

My sister and her family with Vrinda.

some kids threw an empty can at us as they passed us by in their car and also swore at us using foul language. My sister was a little taken aback. I offered silent prayers to Srila Prabhupada and Jayananda Thakura, to give me strength to see those kids as lost souls. Jayananda Prabhu was expert at converting negative situations to positive ones and he is my role model,the very personification of humility. However my sister's question kept tormenting me especially since I keep expressing so much reluctance to go back and reside in a place like Mayapur. In Mayapur, the chances of someone swearing and throwing an empty can at us is naught! What is it that I'm holding on to and why do I fear going back? It is not that I have lived in a city all my life and won't be able to adjust to a secluded life. I am not able to submit to the will of the Lord and do as He desires. I want to be the controller and therefore have to pay the price in terms of mental torture. The park incident did cause some pain and some understanding that I don't belong here. The grass IS greener on the other side. When will I be able tear off the layers of conditioning and realize this. When will I give up my comfort zone and allow myself to be utilized like a puppet in His hands?

When will I be able to understand this whole existence on this planet is but a temporary transit lounge? Please do not let me get comfortable. I need the association of sadhus who will cut to shreds with their words my false ego and make me realize my place. Incidents like this make me wake up a little but I go back to sleep again comfortably! Ohe Vaisnava Thakura, Doyara Sagara E Dase Karuna Kori.

(1)ohe! vaiṣṇaba ṭhākura, doyāra sāgara,e dāse koruṇā kori'diyā pada-chāyā, śodho he āmāya,tomāra caraṇa dhori

(2)chaya bega domi', chaya doṣa śodhi',chaya guṇa deho' dāsechaya sat-sańga, deho' he āmāre,bosechi sańgera āśe

(3)ekākī āmāra, nāhi pāya bala,hari-nāma-sańkīrtanetumi kṛpā kori', śraddhā-bindu diyā,deho' kṛṣṇa-nāma-dhane

(4)kṛṣṇa se tomāra, kṛṣṇa dīte pāro,tomāra śakati ācheāmi to' kāńgāla, 'kṛṣṇa' 'kṛṣṇa' boli',dhāi tava pāche pāche

TRANSLATION
1) O venerable Vaisnava. O ocean of mercy, be merciful unto your servant. Give me the shade of your lotus feet and purify me. I hold on to your lotus feet.

2) Teach me to control my six passions; rectify my six faults, bestow upon me the six qualities, and offer unto me the six kinds of holy association.*

3) I do not find the strength to carry on alone the sankirtana of the holy name of Hari. Please bless me by giving me just one drop of faith with which to obtain the great treasure of the holy name of Krsna.

4) Krsna is yours. You have the power to give Him to me. I am simply your servant running behind you shouting, "Krsna! Krsna!"

REMARKS/EXTRA INFORMATION:
*The six passions are those pertaining to words, the mind, anger, the tongue, the stomach and the genitals. The six faults are overeating, attachment to material things, inability to follow regulative principles, sense gratification, useless idle talk, and impure habits. The six positive qualities are enthusiasm in practicing devotional service, firm faith in devotional processes, a strong desire to attain prema-bhakti, a favorable service attitude, avoidance of non-devotees, and appreciation of the company of devotees. The six methods of association are to go to an assembly of devotees, to invite devotees into one's home, to discuss and hear devotional topics, to take the maha-prasada of devotees and to offer maha-prasada to devotees.