Spiritual Stock Taking

Yesterday (30 May) was the 5 year since we received Harinam Diksha or first initiation. Your name will be ...My heart was beating fast, and my stomach was churning , my daughter wanted to be fed while I was sitting at the fire sacrifice. I looked at the grim faces of the Maharajas and Guru Maharaj as they talked about the ten defences and the gravity of of initiation and initiation vows. Will I be able to chant 16 rounds every single day?? I was feeling dizzy from fasting and wanted to run out of the temple room. I looked at Radha Damodara helplessly. How am I going to do it, chanting seemed an insurmountable formidable task with an attention seeking 1.6 year old child. Mothers looked at me and shrugged saying . "Been there done that." Others told me Guru is like that switch through which you get connected to the Powerhouse or Krishna...

It was my turn to receive the beads, I had no Guru Dakshina for Gurudev, save a hastily put together sketch of Narasimhadev. I stretched my hand out holding the framed sketch. Gurudev graciously accepted my dakshina with a big smile encouraging me like a father would encourage a small child. I accepted my beads not graciously but with trepidiation. I was very sure I would get my 4 regs wrong but somehow I threw the words out into the mic. I could barely hear Guru Maharaj as he said "Your name again is based on your personality and means servant of the eternally fresh transcendental pastimes of Srimati Radharani- Nitya Navina DASI".Fast forward, 5 years later I'm still struggling to chant without offenses, but am trying hard. I am still trying to accept that I am a servant not the master and still missing the mercy due to my countless offences.Yet due to the services rendered to Jagannath, however small they may be, I received a birthday present, for my 5 spiritual birth anniversary! I got to attend the Ratha Yatra at Baltimore, have Darshan of the beautiful Gaura Nitai deities at New Kulina Gram, have darshan of devotees from my God Family and get a copy of the book Reflections on Sacred Teachings - Radha Sunya-Missing Mercy, by Gurudev- HH Bhakti Tirtha Swami. As I pulled on the Ratha Yatra cart I kept begging Lord Jagannath to please make His way back into my heart knowing fully well that there was no space for Him because it is full of filth. I haven't cleaned up the temple of my heart, performing the Gundica Marjanam, how than can deserve what I desire? But I can still try. I have heard that the Lotus eyed Lord is Bhava Grahi Janardhan and reciprocates with sincere desire of His devotees. He displayed the form of Ganesh, became Rukmini Dwarkadeesh and interacts in countless ways at the behest of His devotees, surely some day he will enter this wretched heart.